The much dreaded day has come and gone and I still don't like it. But I am getting used to it. I had been blond for quite some time. I loved it. I think if the circumstances would have been different, it would have been a lot easier to make the change from blond to brown.
Blond to Brown
I have to get brain surgery on July 7th.
I never thought that would be a reality in my life. I still can't believe it. Chiari Type 1 Malformation is to blame. What that means is that my brain is being shoved into my spinal column. I get 10-15 painful, pulsing headaches a day and there always a resounding pressure in my head. Always. In order to correct the problem they have to make an incision in the back of my head, remove part of my skull and the back of my first vertebra.
I died my hair brown because when I get the surgery I won't be able to get my hair done for a while after. At first I was going to wait until the very last minute to go brown. My reason? Nobody, not even my own body, was going to tell me what to do. I have to admit I am a little stubborn, somewhat of a perfectionist and maybe a little OCD. Just a little. And I will be darned if I have to do something that isn't my choice.
I had this attitude about my surgery for a while.
Why is it so much easier to be strong and wear your "brave face" for others. I have loved ones who are going through health problems and it is hard to see them go through it, but being there for them, being brave for them is something I could do. Something I love to do because I love them.
Now that the tables are turned it isn't so easy.
That is a very hard thing for me to admit. I am so used to being the strong one. The person that is there for everyone else. I have known about my condition since November, but set the surgery date about 3 weeks ago. I have been an absolute mess since then. Also something very hard for me to admit. I can usually keep it together during the day, but at night after my babies go to bed I fall apart.
It makes me SO MAD too. I hate that this is hard for me. I hate that I have to get brain surgery. I hate that I am so afraid. I hate that as time goes on I feel worse and worse. I hate that something out of my control is affecting me so much. I hate that I have to slow down some days because I don't feel good enough. I hate that I cry about it.
I thought I was so strong.
When the focus changes from other people to you it is difficult. My husband keeps telling me that I need to stop doing this to myself. He just had major back surgery. He gets it. He understands everything I am going through. When I fall apart at night he is right there by my side. He kept telling me that I need to change my perspective. Instead of counting down to dooms day I need to count down to the great day I can start feeling better again. I wanted to but just couldn't for a while.
After a lot of prayer and thinking I decided I needed to listen. Change my perspective. I was getting grouchy and short tempered. That isn't me. And I will be darned if I am going to let something affect me like that. So that is when I decided to take the first step and dye my hair brown. Big deal right? It is just a hair color. To me it is much more than that. It is me not fighting against what is going to happen.
Embracing it instead of fighting it.
I have to admit when I left the hair salon I bawled my eyes out. We are talking the ugly cry. Thank goodness my Mom was there. I have the best Mom on the planet. She went with me to get new makeup so that the transition wasn't so hard. She is my angel on earth.
As the days go on it is getting easier to face. It is getting easier because I am really, really trying to work on my outlook. How can I become a better person because of this. If I am being thrown into the refiners fire, there is a lesson to learn. If I don't learn it and become better because of it then shame on me.
I know that there is still going to be ups and downs. I know it still won't be easy. I know I will always be scared. I also know that it will make me stronger. A better person.
For that I am thankful.